How to talk so kids will listen

and Listen so kids will talk

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish

Helping children deal with their feelings

Children need to have their feelings accepted and respected

You can listen quietly and attentively.
You can acknowledge their feelings with a word. "Oh...Mmm...I see"
You can give the feelings a name. "That sounds frustrating!"
You can give the child his wishes in fantasy. "I wish I could make the banana ripe for you right now!"

All feelings can be accepted. Certain actions must be limited.

"I can see how angry you are at your brother. Tell him what you want with words, not fists."

Describe what you see, or describe the problem. "There's a wet towel on the bed."
Give information. "The towel is getting my blanket wet."
Say it with a word. "The towel!"
Describe what you feel. "I don't like sleeping in a wet bed!"
Write a note. (above towel rack) "Please put me back so I can dry. Thanks! Your Towel"

Express your feelings strongly, without attacking character. "I'm furious that my new saw was left outside to rust in the rain!"
State your expectations. "I expect my tools to be returned after they've been borrowed."
Show the child how to make amends. "What this saw needs now is a little steel wool and a lot of elbow grease."
Offer a choice. "You can borrow my tools and return them, or you can give up the privilege of using them. You decide."
Take action. Child: "Why is the toolbox locked?" Father: "You tell me why."
Problem solve. "What can we work out so that you can use my tools when you need them, and so that I'll be sure they're there when I need them?"

Talk about the child's feelings and needs.
Talk about your feelings and needs.
Brainstorm together to find a mutually agreeable solution.
Write down all ideas, without evaluating.
Decide which suggestions you like, which you don't like, and which you plan to follow through on.

Let children make choices. "Are you in the mood for gray pants, or red pants?"
Show respect for a child's struggle. "A jar can be hard to open. Sometimes it helps if you wrap a rubber band around the lid."
Don't ask too many questions. "Glad to see you. Welcome home."
Don't rush to answer questions. "That's an interesting question. What do you think?"
Encourage children to use sources outside the home. "Maybe the pet shop owner would have a suggestion"
Don't take away hope. "So you're thinking of trying out for the play! That should be an experience."