Optimistic Child

The Optimistic Child, by Martin Seligman

Self-Esteem

Boosterism for the sake of feeling good is empty and will ultimately fail. Meaningful self-esteem must be based on experiences of success.

History of Depression

Depression was uncommon in the 60's, typically reported only by middle-aged women. Depression rates in the US have skyrocketed since then. Seligman attributes this in part to a change in our culture that emphasizes individual satisfaction over loyalty to a larger group.

Emotions

Strong emotions, such as anxiety, depression, and anger, exist for a purpose: they galvanize you into action to change yourself or your world, and by doing so to terminate the negative emotion. These emotions have a long evolutionary history:

• Anxiety warns you of danger.
• Sadness informs you that a loss threatens.
• Anger alerts you that someone is trespassing on your domain.

When these negative emotions become chronic and unresolved, depression results.

Explanatory Style

Optimism is based on how you think about the causes of negative emotions

• Permanence: bad events are permanent (pessimistic) vs bad events are temporary (optimistic). Example: "My brother is always mean" vs "My brother is in a bad mood today"
• Pervasiveness: bad events are global (pessimistic) vs bad events are specific (optimistic). Example: "Nobody likes me" vs "Kate doesn't like me"
• Personal: I am responsible for bad events (pessimistic) vs someone else is responsible (optimistic). Important to be honest about this one! Important to keep self-blame temporary and specific (optimistic) rather than permanent and global (pessimistic). Example: "I failed the test because I'm stupid" vs "I failed the test because I didn't study"

The Right Way to Criticize Your Child

• Be accurate
• Be specific about consequences
• Criticize with an optimistic explanatory style: be clear that you expect your child's failings to be temporary and specific rather than permanent and global.

Examples

• "You are teasing your sister too much" instead of "You are a bad boy"
• "You have to work harder on watching the ball" instead of "You're not athletic"
• "You shouldn't have eaten all the candy" instead of "You are so selfish!"

Learning Optimism

Children generally absorb problem-solving skills and attitudes from their parents. Parents who learn to react optimistically to challenges can model these skills for their children.

Strategy

• Become aware of your immediate thoughts as you react to adversity.
• Evaluate those thoughts, looking for evidence to support or contradict.
• Provide more accurate, less catastrophic explanations of the adversity.

Questions to consider

You experience adversity and immediately assume the worst. Ask these questions:

• What is evidence for my belief?
• What is the evidence against my belief?
• What are some other ways of seeing this situation?
• What's the worst that could happen?
• What can I do to help stop it from happening?
• What's the best that could happen?
• What can I do to help make it happen?
• What's the most likely outcome?
• What is my plan of action if that happens?

Interpersonal Problem Solving

• Slow down: replace hot thoughts with cool thoughts
• Get some perspective: try to understand the other person's point of view
• Set goals to achieve a better outcome
• Choose a path: look at pluses and minuses
• How did it go? Review what happened after it's over.